All consuming Fear

Why is it the things that scare you can change your life so much. The most recent fears in my life have been, well Being alone and failing. Let me explain. Right now I have the means and opportunity to get my business up and running. I am actually sitting with the phone number I need to call in order to make some extra money. And Instead I am blogging? I think I am terrified of the thought that I could fail. I think I would be so embarrassed and feel hmmm absolutely useless if I did not do well. This is the only thing I can imagine that has pushed me to give up on all the dreams and desires I have abandoned in the past.

Now on to the second fearful event from this weekend, as my husband and I were on our way with some friends to a swingers party. (yeah you read that right) Anywho we were supposed to be meeting a couple we had never met to a strange location in the middle of nowhere. Smart right! Well as we arrive we find we had been invited to a party in a trailer. We all opted to leave the oh so jeepers creepers neighborhood and head to a normal bar downtown. On our way one of our friends made a comment, "Y'all do know you have colored folks with you?!" Well we got to a cute little Irish pub and had a couple extremely over priced drinks. And all white people!

Then we thought we should go to a club instead. While walking down the street a group of cars in all the same shade of blue with their trunks open and systems blaring. Of course My husbands comment was "Oh shit we are about to be in the middle of a gang war!" :) Well with all the men wearing slacks and our guys wearing shorts and flip flops, we knew we would never get in. Plus I had to let our friends know "Hey y'all know you have white folks with you right!" We decide to just grab something to eat and head home. On our way back to the car there were a few note worthy sights... A very old man with a bird on his shoulder, and not a cool bird or a normal pet bird like a parrot, an everyday plain little bird that looked like it had just flown out of it's home in a tree to shit on this man. And of course the man's shirt only where the bird was sitting was covered in poop that looked as if it had been sitting there for weeks. Then was a woman who looked so cracked out she was twitching and reaching for the bench she was sitting on.

We made our way to Ihop were we all enjoyed a midnight snack. Well all but my husband who was "not that hungry." As usual. About half way through enjoying my veggie filled crepe, mmm, the hubby left for the bathroom. While he was gone it mysteriously started pouring outside. Well as we were making all sorts of comments about how the rain came out of nowhere people started looking at us like we were crazy! Once we were done we got outside and it was completely dry. Except the half of the building we had been eating on... from the sprinklers. So after a strange and unexpected night we headed home.

One by one as everyone started to fall asleep my job in life became keeping my husband the driver, awake. So after some dirty talk and some touching :) There was a sudden loud bump in the bed of the truck. So naturally I said "What if someone just jumped into the truck!" He replied with, "Ooh it is Jeeper's Creeper's!" As he was trying to freak me out driving down the long stretch of dark highway, in the backwoods of the deep south we suddenly saw to the right of the road there was an area with very tall grass and out of the grass was the torso of a man out stretched reaching toward the road. The pale man covered in blood in my opinion looked as if he had just crawled out of the woods and escaped torture and near murder. My husband thought, "Oh shit the zombie apocalypse is upon us!" As we swerved and screeched to a stop. Everyone else in the car woke up and "Braced for impact."

Two of the men grabbed their guns and the third pulled out his giant maglight and headed out to help or kill the man/zombie. Whichever was necessary. Well according to them this guy looked like he was dying laying there on the ground, and as they made their way over Zombie man decided to jump up suddenly and start walking toward them. Two men with their hands on their guns and the other walks up to the guy like everything is cool. He would be the first to die in the scary movie. My husband starts yelling at zombie man to lay down and eventually he complied. As all this was going on the moment the boys got out of the truck, I locked the doors and announced that if shit went down they had 5 seconds to jump in the bad of the truck before I was driving off as fast as possible.

Apparently this man was drunk and had fallen asleep at the wheel. He thought he had hit a sign and it hit him in the head. In reality he swerved off the road and dove over a small bridge covering a ditch Dukes of hazard style. As his car landed in the ditch and rolled, the roof of this kids car went into a V and smashed his head. There was such a big gash you could see skull and he was covered in blood. The front bumper was over 200 ft from the car, and his windshield was completely smashed in. Poor guy was a soldier too and heading back to base. Well needless to say we were sitting there for 2 hours waiting for the ambulance!

Although it has been 3 days since it happened the image of this man laying there reaching out is still stuck in my mind and freaking my out enough that last night i went out to the car to get my husbands gun just in case someone breaks in while he is gone. I now feel safer just not leaving my house at all cause if I leave a bloody man might be waiting for me when I get home. Illogical, yes but aren't all fears? Internal fears and external fears. Such strong emotion that can push us forward or hold us back form the things in life we really deserve and/or want for our self or others. How do we get past them. just press on maybe?

What is love

So the meaning of "true love" set in for me today with a few interesting moments... The first was the realization that when someone throws up on your head and all you can do as it runs down you face landing only to puddle in your shirt is laugh. You know you love them! The second, is my husbands opinion on true love. is when you are getting you wife a bottled water and choose NOT to empty the water and return the bottle filled with pee. My personal opinion is being with someone that you can not stand. Someone who absolutely annoys you. And yet you cant live without them... You yearn for them when they are not around. You miss their annoying strange habits and traits! Ah true love

Not Necessary

How do I feel today. Yeah you read it. After trying to persue something in life to better myself, I feel like I come home and no one wants or needs me. I haven't had time alone with my husband in easily months. It might just be me but I feel that the evening after the kids are in bed should be time to enjoy eachother and try to remember why we love eachother. Not more time for me to feel alone and useless. I am so done haveing to be in my own mind it is scary in there.

Stuck inside my crazy mind for the day...

Key things of the day... I realized I can not stand being alone. The computer crapped out and the tv decided he was going to join as well. Go have fun d-bags! My alone realization: Holy Shit I am messed up! Also Hubby is in the field and hating life at the moment. While being eaten alive by bugs he had time in alone in his mind as well And his realization: He hates his job and feels he is not being used for all his talents. ( if he were not in the field I could be using him for some his best talents! :) On a better note, Baby decided to sleep through the night! She appenently does not like her bottle anymore and will starve rather than have it. At least until Mommy gives her food. That Elf baby of mine loves food so much that we drove through somewhere the other day. Well the moment the delisious scent of the food met her tiny little nose she screamed and sqwaked like a Velosa Raptor! Aww My little foodie. P.S. I am not going to be getting my resturant yet. I guess Mister Flay did not like my idea. :( Oh well Maybe someday.

Moments

With all the moments in life why is it we tend to recall the hardest moments, the saddest moments, and the most despondent moments. Yet we forget the fun happy and most "orgasmic" ones? In deciding where to start in introduce myself to the internet world then only things that seem worth noting are the most painful. Today consisted of making the hubby my friend who stayed the night and the kids each their own omelets then made myself one also. Later the hubby informed me he was going to take my friend out of town later today and I was going to be watching the kids. He didn't ask me he told me. She then said "he should have asked." Then As I left the room I overheard him say "I love my My wife so much."

Why is it we all say the things we feel to everyone but the people that matter and really need to hear it?

First post

Hmmm Well Hi there internet world. I am not sure what to write on my very first blog. I am a mom a wife of the army a daughter a sister a friend a cook a housekeeper a lover a referee a cab a therapist a high school drop out the product of a crazy 4th of july weekend a woman and the hardest thing I have ever done is try to be ME. I think it is time. So here I am this is my honest blog. If you don't like what you read don't read it. I am going to find the confidence in myself to be who I am. And Love me or hate me I don't are it is the truth. I think this will be the first place I will be able to vent my true feelings and find myself again. I believe somewhere in life I have picked up so much of everyone else that I have begun to dissapear. Well more later thank you oh wonderful internet and technology for giving me myself back!