Control

Such a strangely defined word and topic....

When used as a verb, used with object it means, to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command. To test or verify.
As a noun it means, the act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command: Who's in control here?

In my life it has become the definition and fear of loosing me again. It seems I have to submit "control" to those around me more than I would like. I never thought I enjoyed or needed to be in control until recently when I realized It is not the need to "control" those around me or even myself. It is that I do not like others being in control of me. I want to know I can make my choices and live my life without judgment and in peace. I feel it is not only people who try to control. IT is environment as well.

In getting a divorce I find that to have a job I need a place to live and money. To have a place to live I need money and a job. To have money I need a job and a place to live. How is it my life has become a catch 22 where the world can control me so? When do I get to choose?

My soon to be X is the one who opened my eyes to the strong disdain I have towards being controlled. As a teen My mother was very straight forward about trying to control things in my life. My clothes, friends, people i dated, etc. However it took me 7 years to see the "control" I was slowly loosing by being with X and being an Army wife. Forced to leave family and friends. Loosing all support emotionally. Feeling so alone I thought "he is telling me these things because he loves me and wants me near." Little did I know this was a form of mental abuse, "That outfit makes you look less fat than the other one did" "You are trying to manipulate me by asking me to stop drinking" That one is one X said after drinking a 6 pack for breakfast before noon, while taking care of my kids and I was working a 70 hour work week! And yes that week I still; made 3 square meals a day, cleaned, bathed and tucked my kids in to bed, serviced my husband, and cleaned the house! These are direct quotes from X during our life together and believe it or not those were during the good times.

Now the control has moved to when he wants to see the kids. When he feels like giving me my money. and worst at the moment. When he "feels like" filling for taxes. He sees that I am waiting for them to be able to afford to move and has said "I will choose when to make an apt next week, I don't feel like it right now." We both have to be out of our house we rented together on march 1st. He is so set on being in control and thinking I am manipulating him that he would rather screw himself by not having that money than to let go fill now and both of us will have money. I want so badly to be civil with him. How to find that without him feeling controlled?